Depression of the Heart

The past couple of days I’ve felt kinda depressed. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to pinpoint a reason and the only thing I can think of is the whole drama with my ex appearing out of nowhere.

He generally shows or calls or texts about once a week and each time an be a completely different experience from the one previous. One day he’d be happy and joking and the next in a complete rage.

This behaviour is terrifying to me but I suppose I’ve grown used to it.

It’s funny to say I’ve grown used to someone treating me horribly one moment and like I’m their best friend the next.

Now that I’m dating this new guy I just can’t believe my luck. He’s so wonderful and kind. Yet I can’t help but wonder when is he going to realize that I’m not worth it.

I like him a lot but Im really not sure how he feels about me. I’ve never really dated anyone before my ex and we’d been together for 10 years so it’s not the same.

Maybe after work I’ll go down to the boardwalk to think.

I’ve been trying to just live in the moment and be happy but sometimes it’s hard. Especially when people ask questions about the past. Now I have nothing to hide and will answer everything completely honest and open but it sure does put a damper on the mood.

I had fun on the weekend at the party with the new guy. With our work schedules we haven’t had time to see each other since and he’s awful at responding to texts, always has been.

So now my anxieties are playing up. What if I did something wrong at the party? What if I said the wrong thing? What if I embarrassed him? What if he doesn’t want to date me anymore?

I’m sure there’s nothing wrong at all and that it is just my anxieties but that doesn’t make it feel any better.