The past couple of days I’ve felt kinda depressed. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to pinpoint a reason and the only thing I can think of is the whole drama with my ex appearing out of nowhere.
He generally shows or calls or texts about once a week and each time an be a completely different experience from the one previous. One day he’d be happy and joking and the next in a complete rage.
This behaviour is terrifying to me but I suppose I’ve grown used to it.
It’s funny to say I’ve grown used to someone treating me horribly one moment and like I’m their best friend the next.
Now that I’m dating this new guy I just can’t believe my luck. He’s so wonderful and kind. Yet I can’t help but wonder when is he going to realize that I’m not worth it.
I like him a lot but Im really not sure how he feels about me. I’ve never really dated anyone before my ex and we’d been together for 10 years so it’s not the same.
Maybe after work I’ll go down to the boardwalk to think.
I’ve been trying to just live in the moment and be happy but sometimes it’s hard. Especially when people ask questions about the past. Now I have nothing to hide and will answer everything completely honest and open but it sure does put a damper on the mood.
I had fun on the weekend at the party with the new guy. With our work schedules we haven’t had time to see each other since and he’s awful at responding to texts, always has been.
So now my anxieties are playing up. What if I did something wrong at the party? What if I said the wrong thing? What if I embarrassed him? What if he doesn’t want to date me anymore?
I’m sure there’s nothing wrong at all and that it is just my anxieties but that doesn’t make it feel any better.
Today has been playing on my nerves something fierce.
Work has been filled with me making phone calls trying to get payments from people but not succeeding and instead waiting for calls back.
I always feel like I’ll get in trouble for the customer not calling back but I’ve done all that I can do.
I work this weekend as well and tomorrow looks like it’ll be busy. Of course on Sunday it looks slow and that’s the day I’ll have a helper.
This weekend I’m going to a party with the guy I’ve been dating. I call him that as I don’t know if we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend or not. I know he’s deleted his plenty of fish account and that Ive deleted mine. I also know that I really like him and that he likes me.
I haven’t really seen him since the whole drama with my ex. He seemed understanding of it all and was genuinely concerned that my ex is harassing me. The only problem is that I only saw him for the 15 min drive it took to drive me home from work. I was shipped to a different location and was stranded without a ride.
I feel like I made him go out of his way to pick me up but he seemed ok with it. He even said that he didn’t mind picking me up because that way he got to see me.
On the drive he was asking me about my ex a bit. I wasn’t sure what to say so it made me a bit flustered. I hope he doesn’t think I’m hiding something from him.
I see him tonight so there’s only one way to find out.
My ex showed up at my work yesterday. Unannounced of course which I guess is kind of his thing.
I asked him what he was doing here and he replies I guess you haven’t read your email yet. Meaning he assumed that I read the email from his ex girlfriend and see that he wants me back and just go running to him.
He’s hurt me so much. Why can’t he just leave me alone? This is what he wanted after all.
I told him that it’s too late. Of course he gives the puppy dog eyes. He says he thinks we’ll be back together in a year and be stronger than ever.
I hope I’m never that weak that I would go back to someone that treats me so poorly.
Yes he knows he’s made mistakes and it’s great that he knows that but he can’t expect me to just drop everything and go back to him.
I told him about the guy that I’m seeing. Mostly to make him leave me alone.
Didn’t stop him from sending me dirty texts after the meeting though.
Now I’m in the process of telling the guy I’m dating about my ex’s visit and I’m so scared that it’ll ruin everything. I’ve only been seeing this guy for about a month and I really like him.
I want to be honest with him. I sure hope he understands.