The Waiting Game

It’s been awhile since I’ve written so I thought share what’s been going on. The usual drama with my ex texting me about once a week has continued. As usual I haven’t been answering that is until yesterday. Long story. I’ll circle back around to that.

Let’s jump back to last week. I decide that I’ve waited long enough, I’m not going to get any more of my stuff back from my ex. He just ignores me everytime I ask. So I contact me lawyer last Monday to send him the official agreement of what money I’m owed for my share of our house. She says that she’s swamped as she just got back from vacation so she’ll try to get it out by the end of the week. It’s been almost two weeks and it still isn’t sent out.

Now this on its own is driving me crazy because everyone I know is worried that he will go off the deep end when he gets the agreement and everyone thinks I should go into hiding when it’s sent to him. Which I should but here I am still waiting.

Last weekend was full of events.

My ex in laws were in town for the weekend visiting my ex. All day Sunday my ex mother in law had been texting me about how my ex is depressed and how his now ex girlfriend is a crazy gold digger. Blah blah blah.

An old roommate came through town. Hadn’t talked to him in awhile. He’s very worried about the whole situation. Since I was working the weekend I didn’t have time to see him so he dropped in on my ex. Which led to my ex texting me yesterday to tell me to ask what our old roommate had saw and how he’s sorry. The usual. He wants me back and has a plan.

Now I don’t know why but I cracked. I texted him back. I had an early day from work and said I would meet him for coffee. I really don’t know why I texted him back. Maybe it’s how my dating life is going (the guy I’d been seeing doesn’t want a relationship but still wants to see me) or maybe it’s the curiosity from everyone texting me about him all weekend.

It wasn’t a horrible time. We met at Tim Hortons and had some iced drinks since it was so hot out. He apologized and told me stories. Then he nearly broke down when I told him how much he’s hurt me. He’s finally decided that he should spend some time alone for awhile. Which is what I’d been suggesting since the beginning.

I’m still worried about how he’ll react when he gets the agreement from my lawyer and I’m still afraid of him. But it was good to talk to him.

Kind of freeing in a way

I feel like it’s been harder for me to date people because I am afraid to make a connection with guys after everything that had happened with my ex. While I’m still hoping things will work out with the first guy I was seeing I’m not going to hold my breath. I’ve started seeing another guy. He’s very sweet and seems so innocent in comparison.

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I saw an interesting post on Facebook from my ex brother in law. It seems my ex has being adding all of the girls from his friends friends list and has been sending them creepy messages.

So one day he’s saying that he wants me back and the next he’s creeping on girls on Facebook.

This is the behaviour that has been strange and doesn’t match with what I know of him. Even if he hadnt said he wanted me back this behaviour is so weird for him.

I almost wonder if his ex hacked his account to make trouble. I’d say something to him but I want out of his drama. The thought of texting him about it scares me so much because I don’t know how he would answer. If it’s something that would set him off into one of those rages that I’ve sadly become familiar with.

Depression of the Heart

The past couple of days I’ve felt kinda depressed. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to pinpoint a reason and the only thing I can think of is the whole drama with my ex appearing out of nowhere.

He generally shows or calls or texts about once a week and each time an be a completely different experience from the one previous. One day he’d be happy and joking and the next in a complete rage.

This behaviour is terrifying to me but I suppose I’ve grown used to it.

It’s funny to say I’ve grown used to someone treating me horribly one moment and like I’m their best friend the next.

Now that I’m dating this new guy I just can’t believe my luck. He’s so wonderful and kind. Yet I can’t help but wonder when is he going to realize that I’m not worth it.

I like him a lot but Im really not sure how he feels about me. I’ve never really dated anyone before my ex and we’d been together for 10 years so it’s not the same.

Maybe after work I’ll go down to the boardwalk to think.

I’ve been trying to just live in the moment and be happy but sometimes it’s hard. Especially when people ask questions about the past. Now I have nothing to hide and will answer everything completely honest and open but it sure does put a damper on the mood.

I had fun on the weekend at the party with the new guy. With our work schedules we haven’t had time to see each other since and he’s awful at responding to texts, always has been.

So now my anxieties are playing up. What if I did something wrong at the party? What if I said the wrong thing? What if I embarrassed him? What if he doesn’t want to date me anymore?

I’m sure there’s nothing wrong at all and that it is just my anxieties but that doesn’t make it feel any better.

Anxious Day

Today has been playing on my nerves something fierce.

Work has been filled with me making phone calls trying to get payments from people but not succeeding and instead waiting for calls back.

I always feel like I’ll get in trouble for the customer not calling back but I’ve done all that I can do.

I work this weekend as well and tomorrow looks like it’ll be busy. Of course on Sunday it looks slow and that’s the day I’ll have a helper.

This weekend I’m going to a party with the guy I’ve been dating. I call him that as I don’t know if we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend or not. I know he’s deleted his plenty of fish account and that Ive deleted mine. I also know that I really like him and that he likes me.

I haven’t really seen him since the whole drama with my ex. He seemed understanding of it all and was genuinely concerned that my ex is harassing me. The only problem is that I only saw him for the 15 min drive it took to drive me home from work. I was shipped to a different location and was stranded without a ride.

I feel like I made him go out of his way to pick me up but he seemed ok with it. He even said that he didn’t mind picking me up because that way he got to see me.

On the drive he was asking me about my ex a bit. I wasn’t sure what to say so it made me a bit flustered. I hope he doesn’t think I’m hiding something from him.

I see him tonight so there’s only one way to find out.

Unexpected Visit

My ex showed up at my work yesterday. Unannounced of course which I guess is kind of his thing.

I asked him what he was doing here and he replies I guess you haven’t read your email yet. Meaning he assumed that I read the email from his ex girlfriend and see that he wants me back and just go running to him.

He’s hurt me so much. Why can’t he just leave me alone? This is what he wanted after all.

I told him that it’s too late. Of course he gives the puppy dog eyes. He says he thinks we’ll be back together in a year and be stronger than ever.

I hope I’m never that weak that I would go back to someone that treats me so poorly.

Yes he knows he’s made mistakes and it’s great that he knows that but he can’t expect me to just drop everything and go back to him.

I told him about the guy that I’m seeing. Mostly to make him leave me alone.

Didn’t stop him from sending me dirty texts after the meeting though.

Now I’m in the process of telling the guy I’m dating about my ex’s visit and I’m so scared that it’ll ruin everything. I’ve only been seeing this guy for about a month and I really like him.

I want to be honest with him. I sure hope he understands.

Forgiven?

My ex started texting me again yesterday. First message asking if I still hate him and then one telling me that his girlfriend sent me an email. Or ex girlfriend I guess.

What I am getting from these messages is that he wants me back and seems to using his ex as some kind of wingman.

Does he really think I would just go running back to him after everything that he’s done? I have given him multiple chances. Each time he would break my heart in an even greater way than the last.

I haven’t even answered any of his messages since the last time I saw him. When he randomly showed up at my place and threw my stuff out of his truck before taking off.

He scared me so much that night.

I think he needs some kind of help. His actions from the beginning have almost seemed bipolar and really not like him.

Every time my phone goes off I fear that it’s him. When he texts or calls I become afraid thinking that he’s on his way to my apartment.

The past couple of nights I fled from my apartment after receiving those messages. I had no where to go but anywhere seemed safer.

An Apology

It seems that my ex and his girl friend can’t go a week without contacting me.

Last I heard from my ex was on Canada Day when he was sending me messages about how him and his girl friend broke up and how I was right about everything. Basically he wants my help in make sure she never comes back.

Of course I ignored those messages. I don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore. They’ve both burned me way too many times.

Last night I got an email from his girlfriend. Basically saying she is sorry for everything that she’s done to me. She realizes that most of what he told her about me was a lie and she feels badly for everything. Also that my ex wants to get back together with me and he regrets leaving.

I would have jumped at a chance to to back together with him before but not now. He’s hurt me way too much. His personality is almost bipolar now and I am sick of being scared of him.

Of course all of these messages that I’ve been getting from the. Is really playing with my anxieties. I feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin.

This morning I took a long walk at the boardwalk just to clear my head.

Happy Canada Day

For some reason my ex seems to be dramatic on holidays.

On Canada Day he called me. I wasn’t near my phone so I didn’t answer but he had left a brief voicemail saying I was right and he wouldn’t have answered the phone if he were me either.

I think he meant I was right about his gf being psycho and blaming me for them breaking up all of the time when I’m not even in the picture anymore. The reason I think this is they have broken up again. Naturally.

I ignore delete the voicemail and don’t even bother calling back. I want to stay out of it.

Later in the day he sends me a Facebook message saying to accept his friend request and post something on his wall so she thinks that we still talk. She won’t leave his house and he’s trying to get her mad enough to leave.

WTF?

Message ignored.

I should block him but I just can’t bring myself to.

I hate myself for it.

I’m seeing a new guy now. Someone that is really sweet and actually good for me. Drama free.

I spent the long weekend with him and his friends camping. I like him a lot but after my ex turning psychotic I am so scared that something like that could happen again.

Father’s Day Drama

For some reason everyone started texting me on Father’s Day.

My ex calls and says he’s almost at my place with the rest of my stuff.

My ex sis in law decides she doesn’t care what he bro thinks and wants to be my friend no matter what.

My ex mom in law ranting about how I’m ex sis in laws best friend and I should talk to her.

Drama.

Thank goodness my dad lives far away because once I said I was at my dads for Father’s Day he agreed not to come with my stuff.

But the thing is he said he’d bring it to me the next day. Still don’t have my stuff. Still haven’t heard from him.

It’s mostly my electronics that he still has and I do know that they were using them and that’s why I don’t have them. My mattress too. Why bring the bed frame but not the mattress? I was gonna get a new one anyway but still.

Saying Goodbye Is The Hardest Part

After all of the drama that happened with my ex on Monday I figured it was better if I cut communication with his family. I don’t talk to many of them and never about him but it seems this will be for the best.

I texted my ex sis in law this morning to tell her I thought it was next if we don’t talk for awhile so she doesn’t get caught in the middle. My ex sis in law that was my maid of honour. One of my closest friends. My go to for everything.

She replied that’s ok I understand 🙂

It was just like her to use emojis. It almost made me cry. I’m going to miss her so much.

I’m glad she understands though. The last thing I wanted was a big argument. I especially didn’t want to say what prompted me to stop talking to her. I don’t want her to hate her brother because he’s going through a rough time. Family should always come first and I guess I’m not family anymore.